Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Back In The Saddle. Kind Of.

Well, sweet girls. . . I’m too tired to write much interesting tonight (my, but isn’t that presumptious about all the other nights!) I'm sure that this will be a long and boring post, but I thought I should update while it's on my mind.

Today B and I met with the RE for the first time since losing the babies. I was so excited for this day to come; to get a plan in place. But as we sat and waited. And waited and waited and waited. I felt it all slowly draining out of me . . .

Our RE was great. She’s sympathetic without being emotional, which suits me perfect. She took it upon herself to validate the opinions of my MFM and hematologist - that the clotting disorders (albeing vanishing) were the cause, and Lovenox will be the magic pill. It meant a lot that she said that.

Then she started talking about "what worked for us last time," (IUI with injectibles). It was strange, because I had to bring up the fact that my MFM cautioned against multiples again. My RE agreed that a single would be best, but she didn’t seem to feel really strongly against multiples. If we did injectibles again, of course we would do everything to try to ensure a single (and of course she mentioned selective reduction), but . . .

Oh yeah, and then she looked at my follie sizes before trigger from my last IUI, and said she wouldn't have been surprised if we'd ended up with triplets last time! (And I had only been on 75ius of Follistim!) Um - wtf?!! I couldn't do anything but look at B and laugh while I said: "Well, if that had been the case, I would have been dead a long time ago!"

Anyway! She mentioned Clomid – to which we promptly responded, “No way in hell!” (HORRIBLE experience before!) She mentioned IVF and discussed the stats for single transfers vs. double transfers, and she mentioned a gestational surrogate - But she said she didn’t think we were at a point where either of those was necessary yet.

You know, THIS was the good news from the appointment. I was so terrified that she’d say we could do a single transfer IVF or nothing at all, and we just don’t have the funds to make that happen. So, the good news – the really good news – is that we have options.

B also brought up an unmedicated IUI (trigger, but no FSH), and she supported that idea also. Oh, and I asked whether any of my diagnoses, including homo MTHFR, had anything to do with our infertility. Nope, nothing at all. Just a dang-blasted double-whammy. I believe she called me something like her “most unlucky patient.” Yay me :)

So, I guess its just up to us. It was a good appointment because she supports me getting pregnant again and will help us get there (without resorting to the most expensive methods). But, naturally, it was also completely overwhelming and frustrating and exhausting.

I expected to be fired up today. I expected to be crying or yelling. I expected my post tonight to be railing against this most horrible of injustices – this ultimate insult added to injury! – that is infertility combined with pregnancy loss. (And ladies, I know I don’t have to stop and explain that I'm just having a pity party here and I'm not meaning any disrespect to those who are suffering through one or the other.)

But, surprisingly, tonight I’m not crying or yelling. I’m not really anything at all. I just feel spent. Numb, almost. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: B and I will have children – I just don’t know how or when that’s going to happen. And I want it to happen, so much. But I really, really don’t want to go through what it takes to get there. It just makes me tired to think about. I just want to fall asleep, and wake up once everyone’s safely in place.


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Bluebird, somehow your posts oftentimes slip under my blog's radar. I'm glad I checked for an update from you.
I am happy for you that you could even try IUI w/o injectibles. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Devon said...

i get it....((hugs))

Mrs. Spit said...

Time. It helps the numbness.

Courtney and Jason said...

I totally understand hon. We had the same feelings when we went to our RE as well. It felt great to have the support of the Re to get pregnant again. I am so glad to hear they gave you options and glad that it was a good appointment


Brenna said...

Oh, good for you! What a huge first step. It's interesting that we're on such very similar journeys right now, with your first post-loss RE visit today and my first post-loss visit tomorrow. Here I am up in the wee hours feeling all kinds of mixed emotions, including anxiety...wonder if tomorrow will also leave me feeling spent and numb. I guess for us, there's no secret what the diagnoses will be: You need IVF! With ICSI! Now hand over your life savings and any available credit, please. ;) I'm so happy for you all that IUIs with injectibles haven't been taken off the table. I'm really happy that we're taking these steps together and look forward to seeing where these paths take us...

abgs said...


Glad your appointment went ok, I can inagine going into it you were faced with a variety of emotions..

You are inspiring.

Whatever happens next in your journey-- I wish you all the best..

big hugs.

Jo said...


Whatever you decide, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

:-) Jo

m said...

I so get this. Feeling in a very similar place since our last meeting. So relieved to know there are still options. So, so tired thinking about going through them again. I am so glad you wrote this down - I had been looking for reasons to justify my lack of excitement, and this is it. Simply tired.

I AM glad to hear that it sound like you have a couple of different routes you could take as you move forward towards trying again. Wishing you fortitude whichever you choose.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you and B have options, I know it it is exhausting to think about putting those options into play, all of it is just so tiring, I totally get it.
We pretty much have the plan, it hasnt changed, IVF/ICSI, we dont really have options, I am not sure if that makes it more difficult or not, but I can tell ya that I am tired too.

stacey said...

I'm glad your appt went well, and that you still have so many options. Knowing there are options helps me get through some hard days. Hope you're feeling better today. We are all here for you!

Alisha said...

I know what you mean about the whole process being so tiring and overwhelming. I was so dreading the start of another cycle this month and my body is taking forever to ovulate and I am just....over it!! I hope it goes smooth and quickly for you the first time around and you get those babies you have been dreaming of.

Guera! said...

I am so with you. Your last statement sums it up perfectly.

Fat Chick said...

I've given you an award on my blog. Because you are awesome.

Cara said...

Oh - Bluebird - you certainly have the right to a pity party. Luckily, mine just ended, so I have tons of energy to put into YOURS!((hugs))

Parenthood For Me said...

I can really relate to your post. I haven't experienced your loss but I had many set backs TTC. We all have our awful stories and I completely understand how draining it is to think abot everything. It is nice to have options. But I remember just being bitter about my "options." I didn't want the options I just wanted the baby.
We stopped ART after 3 failed IVF's and an ectopic pregnancy. We are not adoptive parents. This is how things worked out for us.
I just found your blog . I am reaching out to my fellow bloggers to introduce my non profit, Parenthood for Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those starting families through adoption or medical intervention. Please visit our website and blog and pass the link on. Thank you for your support. I look forward to reading your blog
Erica Schlaefer

abgs said...

btw.. if ya got time.. I nominated you for a award on my blog :)