Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Back In The Saddle. Kind Of.

Well, sweet girls. . . I’m too tired to write much interesting tonight (my, but isn’t that presumptious about all the other nights!) I'm sure that this will be a long and boring post, but I thought I should update while it's on my mind.

Today B and I met with the RE for the first time since losing the babies. I was so excited for this day to come; to get a plan in place. But as we sat and waited. And waited and waited and waited. I felt it all slowly draining out of me . . .

Our RE was great. She’s sympathetic without being emotional, which suits me perfect. She took it upon herself to validate the opinions of my MFM and hematologist - that the clotting disorders (albeing vanishing) were the cause, and Lovenox will be the magic pill. It meant a lot that she said that.

Then she started talking about "what worked for us last time," (IUI with injectibles). It was strange, because I had to bring up the fact that my MFM cautioned against multiples again. My RE agreed that a single would be best, but she didn’t seem to feel really strongly against multiples. If we did injectibles again, of course we would do everything to try to ensure a single (and of course she mentioned selective reduction), but . . .

Oh yeah, and then she looked at my follie sizes before trigger from my last IUI, and said she wouldn't have been surprised if we'd ended up with triplets last time! (And I had only been on 75ius of Follistim!) Um - wtf?!! I couldn't do anything but look at B and laugh while I said: "Well, if that had been the case, I would have been dead a long time ago!"

Anyway! She mentioned Clomid – to which we promptly responded, “No way in hell!” (HORRIBLE experience before!) She mentioned IVF and discussed the stats for single transfers vs. double transfers, and she mentioned a gestational surrogate - But she said she didn’t think we were at a point where either of those was necessary yet.

You know, THIS was the good news from the appointment. I was so terrified that she’d say we could do a single transfer IVF or nothing at all, and we just don’t have the funds to make that happen. So, the good news – the really good news – is that we have options.

B also brought up an unmedicated IUI (trigger, but no FSH), and she supported that idea also. Oh, and I asked whether any of my diagnoses, including homo MTHFR, had anything to do with our infertility. Nope, nothing at all. Just a dang-blasted double-whammy. I believe she called me something like her “most unlucky patient.” Yay me :)

So, I guess its just up to us. It was a good appointment because she supports me getting pregnant again and will help us get there (without resorting to the most expensive methods). But, naturally, it was also completely overwhelming and frustrating and exhausting.

I expected to be fired up today. I expected to be crying or yelling. I expected my post tonight to be railing against this most horrible of injustices – this ultimate insult added to injury! – that is infertility combined with pregnancy loss. (And ladies, I know I don’t have to stop and explain that I'm just having a pity party here and I'm not meaning any disrespect to those who are suffering through one or the other.)

But, surprisingly, tonight I’m not crying or yelling. I’m not really anything at all. I just feel spent. Numb, almost. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: B and I will have children – I just don’t know how or when that’s going to happen. And I want it to happen, so much. But I really, really don’t want to go through what it takes to get there. It just makes me tired to think about. I just want to fall asleep, and wake up once everyone’s safely in place.