Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Beating the Odds

We have beaten the odds across the board. Not in the sense that we’ve had positive outcomes, of course. (Although, for a time, we certainly thought we had “beaten the odds” in the most joyful of ways – oh how ecstatic and confident we were – of course IUI with injectibles worked, and of course we were expecting twins!) But, rather, in the sense that none of our outcomes, statistically, should have occurred. Consider the following:

30% chance that IUI with injectibles is successful after 3-4 cycles
25% of those pregnancies are twin pregnancies.

5-7% of all pregnancies develop preeclampsia
2-12% of those pregnancies develop HELLP Syndrome

0.2% of babies are diagnosed with HLHS

Anyone enough of a numbers-wiz to figure out the statistical likelihood of all this happening in the same pregnancy??

I have unabashedly said to B that, once we start treatment again, I hope I’m able to get pregnant “easily.” I say "unabashedly" because I know that many of you have been on this journey longer and have to endure more intensive treatments, so sometimes I feel bad for having such thoughts. . . but, for us - it’s been almost three years, thousands of dollars, two dead babies, indescribable heartache - and, "next time," getting pregnant would just be the beginning! And that's quite enough for me, thankyouverymuch :)

But then I almost had to laugh – why in the world would I be so bold as to think that we could beat the odds again as far as getting pregnant goes – but then fall into the majority on the remainder of the statistics?

No, I told B, it almost seems as if we should resign ourselves to even more months and years of IF, possibly move on to IVF (and maybe even multiple miscarriages this time, just for an added punch) if we are to avoid the same ultimate outcomes as last time. Maybe it’s all or nothing – beat the odds across the board, or be universally “normal”? (Isn’t it interesting how terms like “easily” and “normal” become so relative in the IF world?) Although I fear not being able to get pregnant again – I am now much more fearful of getting pregnant and not being able to keep a baby alive.

Anyway, we just found out that B and I beat another odd, too:

1% chance of getting pregnant without treatment

Yep, that means what you think it does. Go frickin' figure.

I know this stings for some of you to read, and for that I am so, so sorry. And I know I might kick myself for even posting this at all – I’m telling you right away (no, really, like right away). . . but that is because I am so freaked out and have such mixed emotions about this, for so many reasons (not the least of which being that this is exactly when I got pregnant with the twins last year) - and I need an outlet.

In 24 hours it’s already become a whirlwind of doctors and insurance companies like I never imagined. The frenzy reminds me that I have reason to be terrified. I have a million blog posts swirling around in my head, and feel as if I just need to take the day off work and get them typed out, and out of my head!

Maybe I’ll also publish all the posts I drafted over the past few weeks about IF and our upcoming treatment cycle. (We were planning to do our first post-babies IUI next cycle.) I wrote these posts, but didn’t publish them at the time- ? And I might still toss them up here, even though circumstances have momentarily changed, just to let you know where my mind or was.

I can't even wrap my head around this most recent development. It’s so surreal.

I understand if some of you would rather not read what’s coming. But I do ask this – please, please cross your fingers for us. Think of us, pray for us – whatever it is that you do. This is just the beginning. Of whatever comes next.