Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Beating the Odds

We have beaten the odds across the board. Not in the sense that we’ve had positive outcomes, of course. (Although, for a time, we certainly thought we had “beaten the odds” in the most joyful of ways – oh how ecstatic and confident we were – of course IUI with injectibles worked, and of course we were expecting twins!) But, rather, in the sense that none of our outcomes, statistically, should have occurred. Consider the following:

30% chance that IUI with injectibles is successful after 3-4 cycles
25% of those pregnancies are twin pregnancies.

5-7% of all pregnancies develop preeclampsia
2-12% of those pregnancies develop HELLP Syndrome

0.2% of babies are diagnosed with HLHS

Anyone enough of a numbers-wiz to figure out the statistical likelihood of all this happening in the same pregnancy??

I have unabashedly said to B that, once we start treatment again, I hope I’m able to get pregnant “easily.” I say "unabashedly" because I know that many of you have been on this journey longer and have to endure more intensive treatments, so sometimes I feel bad for having such thoughts. . . but, for us - it’s been almost three years, thousands of dollars, two dead babies, indescribable heartache - and, "next time," getting pregnant would just be the beginning! And that's quite enough for me, thankyouverymuch :)

But then I almost had to laugh – why in the world would I be so bold as to think that we could beat the odds again as far as getting pregnant goes – but then fall into the majority on the remainder of the statistics?

No, I told B, it almost seems as if we should resign ourselves to even more months and years of IF, possibly move on to IVF (and maybe even multiple miscarriages this time, just for an added punch) if we are to avoid the same ultimate outcomes as last time. Maybe it’s all or nothing – beat the odds across the board, or be universally “normal”? (Isn’t it interesting how terms like “easily” and “normal” become so relative in the IF world?) Although I fear not being able to get pregnant again – I am now much more fearful of getting pregnant and not being able to keep a baby alive.

Anyway, we just found out that B and I beat another odd, too:

1% chance of getting pregnant without treatment

Yep, that means what you think it does. Go frickin' figure.

I know this stings for some of you to read, and for that I am so, so sorry. And I know I might kick myself for even posting this at all – I’m telling you right away (no, really, like right away). . . but that is because I am so freaked out and have such mixed emotions about this, for so many reasons (not the least of which being that this is exactly when I got pregnant with the twins last year) - and I need an outlet.

In 24 hours it’s already become a whirlwind of doctors and insurance companies like I never imagined. The frenzy reminds me that I have reason to be terrified. I have a million blog posts swirling around in my head, and feel as if I just need to take the day off work and get them typed out, and out of my head!

Maybe I’ll also publish all the posts I drafted over the past few weeks about IF and our upcoming treatment cycle. (We were planning to do our first post-babies IUI next cycle.) I wrote these posts, but didn’t publish them at the time- ? And I might still toss them up here, even though circumstances have momentarily changed, just to let you know where my mind or was.

I can't even wrap my head around this most recent development. It’s so surreal.

I understand if some of you would rather not read what’s coming. But I do ask this – please, please cross your fingers for us. Think of us, pray for us – whatever it is that you do. This is just the beginning. Of whatever comes next.

53 comments:

Shanti Mama said...

Love to you Bluebird! We're here to support you.

Mirne said...

WOW!!! That's so cool! No wonder you're still getting used to the idea. Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Catherine W said...

Oh my days. I am so happy for you sweet girl. I feel as though a million butterflies have just been released in my stomach. :) :) :)
So strange, you've made some woman, miles away, who you've never met, sit in front of her computer with a goofy grin on her face and tears in her eyes. Weird eh?

It is awful about the timing. It might be unimaginable hard to be going through the same stages of pregnancy at a similar time of year to your pregnancy with the twins.

I will be reading, crossing my fingers, my toes, anything else that I can physically manage to cross, thinking of you and praying for you. xxx

Mrs. Spit said...

how very very wonderful!

Busted said...

Wow - I'm sure right now is a very scary, exciting, nervous, uncertain time. I can only partly imagine the emotions due to our different circumstances as far as high risk factors and that our subsequent pregnancy was IVF...but we did end up pregnant at almost the exact time as the Doodles and it was bittersweet. Thinking of you all with hope for a wonderful outcome.

Brenna said...

Darlin, nobody is going to begrudge you a thing, I promise! Everyone in this community has had a tough time in one way or another, whether it's getting pregnant or staying pregnant or having a living baby or all of the above. I certainly try not to compare my journey to anyone else's, other than to sympathize and say "yeah, this can be really tough." I'm just SO SO grateful and excited for you!!!! I realize this is just the beginning and that you have lots to consider and plenty to fret about for the upcoming weeks, but I hope you can enjoy this moment a little too! It's an amazing, miraculous moment and I so hope it's followed by many, many more. Giant hugs to you!

Just Breathe said...

You have been blessed and I will keep you and your new little one in my prayers. God Bless

Rebekah said...

I rushed right over here after seeing your post! Just wanted to let you know again that I will be praying for you and for a successful pregnancy.

Astrid said...

Oh my gosh!!! What a crazy and wonderful turn of events. Statistics mean jack to most of us in the IF world I think. Glad that has faired in your favor for once! What a great post, great delivery of the news!!! I will be crossing everything! You deserve a fabulous healthy baby. You have been through enough. I hope this is the one. Stay positive!

Rebuilding Myself said...

Just checking in once while on vacation and saw your post ...

Congratulations - what a stat to be in :) Know that I will thinking of you as you start this new exciting and very frightening journey.

Ms. J said...

Welcome aboard my Incredulous Train, sistah!

Damn, you and I with the WTF surprise pregnancies?!

If there was anyone better for me to ride along with, I can't think who!

I am here for ya, sweetie ... We can both be paranoid, freaked out, annoyed, worried, and scared to death together.

Barbara said...

Wow! I'm so pleased for you! Tears in my eyes. It's just not possible for any one to begrudge you this new hope.

I'll be dropping by and rubbing your blog daily in the hopes that your odds beating luck rubs off... don't mind me.

xxx

Henninger Family said...

So wonderful! I will be praying for you and your family! Congratulations!!

Tina said...

OMG!!! I had to read your post twice before I actually got it!!! I am so happy for you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated on your progress. Congratulations on beating the odds again!!!
xx,
Tina

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Yay! I nearly missed that little gem of news in the middle. I was reading over the statistical part and my eyes sort of blurred b/c I am no statistician. That's why we went to law school, right? Anywho, yay!

And, I know this will still be hard. I know. Don't take my 'yay' as 'this is your happy ending' because I know the story continues no matter what. So many emotions to face for you.

Peace to you, my friend.

stacey said...

I am ecstatic for you! Sending you oodles of wonderful thoughts!!!

niobe said...

Sending lots of thoughts and prayers. Wow.

RachelH said...

Congratulations. :) I'll send up some prayers to keep you and your baby safe and healthy.

Krista said...

I am feeling de ja vu here! It happened this way for us too (right after our holiday in Mexico none the less)! I am SO happy for you, but I also know the extremely long road you have ahead of you. Sending you lots of support from a girl who is going through it right now!

Ya Chun said...

Holy freakin cow! Maybe this is good - a good sign.

fingers crossed, and don't worry, I am not going anywhere!

Sara B said...

Congratulations, sweetie. I will be praying for you and wishing you all the joy that you deserve!

Michelle said...

Thats great news! I will sending you all the support and good luck your way.

It is your time I hope you beat it all and have a happy healthy baby in 9 months!!

Christy said...

OHMYGOSH! OF COURSE we will pray for you, and think positively for you, and I don't even know what to say-that is so amazing. It does NOT sting for me-it's so different when it's one of us, it seems. It stings when I hear it from random people, random colleagues. And like Catherine said...I've never met you and I don't even know how many miles apart we even are, but I am grinning. We are all hopeful for you!!!!
p.s. the word verification that came up to make this comment was "bless". Just saying.

Heather said...

Oh, wow. WOW! I am so happy for you! Congratulations (and many crossed body parts and prayers coming at you!)!

Anonymous said...

I am an occasional reader of your blog, having found it through a friend's blog - but I just wanted to tell you how truly happy I am for you and your DH. I'm sure that with the loss of your sweet babies in the last pregnancy that this will be a time of lots of mixed emotions and fear - but I am praying that you get to bring home a healthy baby this time. Every pregnancy is very different - I can tell you from experience. I had a twin pregnancy fraught with constant complications that I came very, very, very close to losing - and am now pregnant with a singleton and it's been a total breeze. I pray that yours is a "total breeze" as well, at least physically - I am sure emotionally there will be some challenges. Stay strong, and post lots :) - I really want to be able to keep track of your progress in this wonderful and happy event. Congratulations.

Another Dreamer said...

W-o-w! I am thinking of you, and I hope this pregnancy works out. So many positive vibes your way. I know how scary, how exciting, how unexpected this must be.

I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here supporting you 100%.

Bree said...

That is amazing! Is this a souvnir from your recent vacation? Maybe I need to take a vacation. Congratulations! Don't feel bad at all. All of us LBM deserve for it to be easy second time around. Will be thinking of you and following you on your adventure!

JenJen said...

I'm with Bree! Vacation does wonders for the reproductive system...all relaxed and such...

YIPPEEEE!!!! I'm so happy for you both and I can't wait to hear how the first appoitment goes!!!

You so deserve this!

Michelle said...

What an amazing turn of events!
Praying for you..congrats!

Anonymous said...

I am not an IFer, but I found your blog and have been following it because I think you are AMAZING!! This is a wonderful thing that has happened and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Donna said...

That is so amazingly wonderful!!!! I just can't stop smiling my happy little smile for you!!!

Nothing is going to be easy but you already knew that anyway. But we are all here for you!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!

pam said...

am so very happy for you. congratulations and the very very best of luck!

Niki said...

Wow! That's pretty darn amazing! Congrats and a million best wishes to you! :) I will keep everything crossed for you, your dh, and your baby!

Shanny said...

Holy cow!!!!! I'm so beyond happy for you, and for the record? You totally deserve it =)

::sticky healthy baby dust::

Suzanna Catherine said...

How wonderful! Will be saying prayers for you. Sending you ((hugs)).

Soralis said...

I am wishing all the best. Could it be you have 2 little angels looking out for you?

Hugs

Jacinta said...

Welcome baby Bluebird!
Am so happy for you guys!

Michelle said...

Wow, that's awesome! I'm so happy to read your news.

Debbie said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!! I just started crying at my desk at work. I can't tell you how happy I am I for you and how many times we'll pray for you guys and your sweet little miracle!!!

Congratulations, bluebird!!!!

Julia said...

I've followed your blog, here and there, through Jen's (Lily's Mom). I am thrilled for you and will pray for you and your little bean.

Astrid said...

I already commented but came back to mention that I love your blog and I mention it in this post http://babymakingoneohone.blogspot.com/2009/06/kreativ-blogger-award.html

So I guess you've been 'tagged.'

Michele said...

honey, congratulations!!! with all my heart, I hope this is the start of a perfectly "normal" pregnancy. so happy for you.

Heather said...

Oh that's fabulous! Sorry I'm a day late with my BEST congratulations!!!!

Echloe said...

I think it is a amazing and wonderful that you are pregnant now without treatment. I'm in your corner, rooting for you that in the end you'll have a baby staring right back at you in your arms. Deep Breath. Big big big congratulations.

We have Angel Wings said...

Wonderuful and exciting news.

Keeping all of you in my thoughts.

Aunt Becky said...

*tears up*

Hooray!

I'm so happy, Miss Bluebird!

just me, dawn said...

I have absolutely no idea how I missed this post or the subsequent ones...but I did. But I am now saying congratulations!! I am so very happy for you!!

Kathy said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! :) We were also given a 1% chance of conceiving on our own again (back in February 2007) and look at us now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know how exciting and scary it is, but you can do this! One day, one step, one appointment at a time... (((HUGS)))Congrats again! :)

Tracey said...

Oh my goodness!!! Wonderful, wonderful news! Congratulations! :)

Peeveme said...

Holy crap` how did I miss this? Wow, I;m just stunned and THRILLED for you!

stillthinkingagain said...

Holy crap, I was catching up on your blog from bottom to top, and literally had to re-read this post.... CONGRATULATIONS!!

WOW. I'm gonna conclude this comment now so that I can keep reading :)

Lani said...

congrats! this is such great news. 2 in the same day (though i know you found out a week ago)- just found out a friend is pregnant through her first IVF cycle. we just did iui for the first time today so maybe all of us are on the path finally.
yay!
xo

Karin said...

Congratulations! Wow, 1% chance I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am so happy for you, and I'll keep you in my prayers!