Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Start

Well, ladies, we saw a heartbeat. I am really, genuinely surprised. And I must have unconsciously convinced myself that there wouldn't be one, because I've already noticed a slight shift in my attitude. It really helps to know that all this crap,* for now at least!, is for a reason.

My MFM was wonderful. He shook B's hand and gave me a hug, and told us how very happy he was to see us back. This sounds awful, but I was a little worried that we'd become just a number by treating with an MFM only. You know, at my OB's office we were "special" - the MFM sees high risk stuff all. day. long. But everyone (with the exception of the scheduling lady) was very kind and personal.

For now, we're going to just stay the course with my meds. That surprised me a little since I expected that we'd be increasing my Lovenox dosage, but he said we're going to put that off until if/ when I reach 13 weeks. I question this, but the science on thrombophilias and preeclampsia is so sketchy anyway, I know there's no firm right answer here.

I'm going to be seeing him every 2 weeks - well, except my next appointment. Apparently there's not an opening in 2 weeks so I have to wait 3. Do I even have to tell you how totally not happy that conversation with the scheduling girl made me! Grrrrrr.

Beyond that there's not much to report! You know, this is the same doctor with whom I got so irritated because he wouldn't give me any numbers. He wouldn't give me a goal gestational age, he wouldn't give me percentages or probabilities. . . And this time - I didn't even ask. My tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard! This goes against everything in my nature, this huge vast uncertainty. To have a due date, but know I'll never reach it, but yet to still not be able to say, "I'll probably be x many weeks early." To not have a freaking clue what to tell my bosses if/ when the time comes for that.

And it is so, so hard knowing that, really, there's not a damn thing they can do for me. These every-two-week appointments aren't to fix anything or cure anything or cause anything. I mean, therein lies the devil of preeclampsia. There is nothing anyone can do. But watch. We watch and wait, and hope that the Lovenox, and the facts of a second pregnancy and a single pregnancy, will buy us some time.

I'm still sick. I still can't stop crying. I still miss our babies in such a sharp way. But I am really, really trying to embrace his mentality right now. 2 weeks at a time. 2 weeks at a time.

::Deep breaths::

Thank you all for your continued support, kind words, and encouragement. It means so much to be walking this road with you.


*Refering to the morning sickness and etc., not anything to do with our twins, of course.

28 comments:

Tina said...

I am so happy you were able to hear the HB. I hope you can now embrace this new sweet life growing inside of you. Grow baby grow!!!!
xx,
Tina

Lindsay said...

Yea for heartbeats! I am glad you heard it, but sad that they won't give you any numbers. That's kind of unnerving.
Keep repeating that mantra 'two weeks at a time'.
Much Love, Lindsay

Courtney said...

You are so amazing my dear friend. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Glad to hear your little bean is going strong!

Mirne said...

Wonderful that you got to see/hear a heartbeat!!!

Deep breaths are good too. I'm doing many of those at the moment. :-)

Grow baby grow :-)

Mimi said...

That is wonderful news honey!!! I am here wiht you every step of the way!!!

Hugs,
Kami

Catherine W said...

Oh how wonderful. A lil heartbeat. He he, I'm grinning away to myself now!

It must be so unimaginably hard to face that huge uncertainty. Watching and waiting with you. xx

Heather said...

What a sweet thing, to hear the little heartbeat.

Two weeks at a time is a good goal. Gosh, you sound so much like me. It's so very frustrating to just have to sit back and cross your fingers (in fact, my MFM used those exact words in describing my pregnancy), but really, it's all we can do. Horrible, but that's it.

I'm glad you don't feel like a number there. They may deal with high risk all day long, but our stories are still very unusual. They're learning a lot from you. I've been told that many times this pregnancy.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

I'm so happy that you saw the heartbeat. I'm sending the baby all sorts of good vibes. And hang in there, love.

Michele said...

Yay! A HB!!!! I am thrilled.

We lived in 2w increments too until we were put in the hospital and now it is just day by day. It is scary, the watching and waiting... Even though I have no signs of pre-e yet, they ran the full panel this morning and I guess we will get the results tomorrow? I'm hoping that they show everything is where it needs to be. Then I wont get tested again for a while (assuming that things continue to "look" good). But I hear you... The waiting... It's mind numbing. We will all just cross our fingers and hope that your journey with this little one is full of peace and all good things.... The twins are watching over their little brother or sister. And you guys, too.

Mrs. A said...

How wonderful to see and hear a heartbeat, it is such an amazing thing! Deep breaths get us all threw some pretty tough times! Grow Baby Grow!

Just Breathe said...

I am so happy for you. May God bless you and your baby. I am so sorry for your pain and the journey you are on. May God give you comfort during this difficult emotional time.

just me, dawn said...

so very happy that you heard a heartbeat! hoping the next 3 :( weeks go quickly. ((hugs))

Brenna said...

Oh, the heart beat! That's such a special moment. One day at a time, one week at a time, two weeks at a time...trying to take it as it comes is the best we can do! I'm holding you and your family tight in my thoughts and in my heart, and hoping for the very best for you and your little one.
xxoo
Brenna

Krista said...

It is amazing how that heartbeat can totally lift you up! Enjoy these moments!!! The anxiety tends to set back in quickly for me but I do enjoy the dr appt days when I feel confident for at least a little while. So happy for you.

Another Dreamer said...

So glad you saw the heartbeat (*hugs*) Two weeks at a time hun, deep breaths.

Marie W said...

I am so happy for you honey. I am praying and know that this is going to be your rainbow after the storm.

niobe said...

What a wonderful start. And I'm feeling very hopeful for you -- if that's okay.

Megan said...

yeah!!! Congratulations!!!

JenJen said...

Yeah, for heartbeat! Its going to be great to watch your journey! Take everything day by day, so much easier said than done...

((hugs)) and congratulations!

Tracey said...

A happy little heartbeat -hoooray!

Much love for a strong little baby who'll grow and thrive.

And love to you...and sending good health your way - deep breaths.....

Jacinta said...

Happiness. It is a great start

Kim said...

A heartbeat! YAY! Reassurance for a moment of time anyway. Two weeks...Two weeks...just keep repeating it.

Keep growing strong little one!

Rebuilding Myself said...

Congratulations on the heartbeat! What a wonderful thing to hear :) First step down ...

Ya Chun said...

yeah, a heartbeat, that is such good news!

I seem to remember something about vitamin D levels in pre-E. Has the doc brought this up?

Three weeks. Hang in there!

Rachel said...

Hey will you email me? I can't seem to find your email and I am trying to add you to the list of people interested in shoots in the area (i can't remember which shoot you were interested in!)

Nan and Mike said...

How wonderful to see your bean's little beating heart! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as you go through this pregnancy, it's really going to help me someday when we try again, and probably is already helping alot of people in the same situation. I guess it's only "normal" to be so scared and paranoid, it sucks. Thinking of you xo Nan

Once A Mother said...

How wonderful to hear the heartbeat. I am glad that your doc is so understanding and compassionate, hopefully some of that will rub off on the scheduling lady.

LDRN said...

Congrats girl!
I know Dr C will be good to you! All those Drs are....
And as scary as everything is, please please please try not to beat yourself up with worry! :)
Yay for heartbeats & milestones!
Praying for a sticky baby & long gestational period!
Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks (ok three until the next time ;P)
xoxo,
LDRN