Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Start

Well, ladies, we saw a heartbeat. I am really, genuinely surprised. And I must have unconsciously convinced myself that there wouldn't be one, because I've already noticed a slight shift in my attitude. It really helps to know that all this crap,* for now at least!, is for a reason.

My MFM was wonderful. He shook B's hand and gave me a hug, and told us how very happy he was to see us back. This sounds awful, but I was a little worried that we'd become just a number by treating with an MFM only. You know, at my OB's office we were "special" - the MFM sees high risk stuff all. day. long. But everyone (with the exception of the scheduling lady) was very kind and personal.

For now, we're going to just stay the course with my meds. That surprised me a little since I expected that we'd be increasing my Lovenox dosage, but he said we're going to put that off until if/ when I reach 13 weeks. I question this, but the science on thrombophilias and preeclampsia is so sketchy anyway, I know there's no firm right answer here.

I'm going to be seeing him every 2 weeks - well, except my next appointment. Apparently there's not an opening in 2 weeks so I have to wait 3. Do I even have to tell you how totally not happy that conversation with the scheduling girl made me! Grrrrrr.

Beyond that there's not much to report! You know, this is the same doctor with whom I got so irritated because he wouldn't give me any numbers. He wouldn't give me a goal gestational age, he wouldn't give me percentages or probabilities. . . And this time - I didn't even ask. My tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard! This goes against everything in my nature, this huge vast uncertainty. To have a due date, but know I'll never reach it, but yet to still not be able to say, "I'll probably be x many weeks early." To not have a freaking clue what to tell my bosses if/ when the time comes for that.

And it is so, so hard knowing that, really, there's not a damn thing they can do for me. These every-two-week appointments aren't to fix anything or cure anything or cause anything. I mean, therein lies the devil of preeclampsia. There is nothing anyone can do. But watch. We watch and wait, and hope that the Lovenox, and the facts of a second pregnancy and a single pregnancy, will buy us some time.

I'm still sick. I still can't stop crying. I still miss our babies in such a sharp way. But I am really, really trying to embrace his mentality right now. 2 weeks at a time. 2 weeks at a time.

::Deep breaths::

Thank you all for your continued support, kind words, and encouragement. It means so much to be walking this road with you.

*Refering to the morning sickness and etc., not anything to do with our twins, of course.