Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Whether it be three days from now, three months from now, or three years from now - Please don't go!

If you found this blog because you're looking for stories or information on infertility, preeclampsia, HELLP Syndrome, clotting disorders, hypolastic left heart syndrome (HLHS), stillbirth, loss, or pregnancy after a loss - please don't go!

I'm not saying that my story is rare or particulary well-written, but it is unique, as they all are. Maybe you could relate to it in some way? Maybe we could help each other?

Until a moment ago this blog had over 200 posts. As you can see, I just deleted nearly all of them - all but a few (which still feel too personal!) that give a snapshot of the facts and contain a few key words, in hopes that you might find me still.

Why the deletion? Well, I was found by someone in real life. Although this blog was public and that has always been a possibility, the knowledge that someone I knew was reading along made me uncomfortable and unable to share fully. So I decided to move and start a private blog elsewhere. I transferred each and every one of my posts to that new blog so that I still have my story intact. Then I realized that the possibility of somone else IRL ever happening upon this space scared me, and therefore I should delete it.

But I didn't want to disappear completely. When I was physically recovering after HELLP Syndrome, and still reeling from the loss of our twins, reading others' stories kept me going. It's how I filled my days, and it's how I began to understand both the emotional and physical aspects of what had happened and what was going on. It made me feel "normal" and it gave me hope.

If you'd like to read my story, please send me an email -

And - I'm sorry. It's most likely some pain that has brought you here and for that -for whatever you are experiencing - I'm sorry.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Did I Tell You? (On Clotting Disorders)

I know this post seems out of the blue - everything will be explained in he next post. But as I was typing The Next Post, I was reminded of something that I meant to tell you, and I'm not sure if I have yet, just in case it might help someone reading.

You might recall that, when I was in the hospital with HELLP Syndrome, I tested positive with a whole host of clotting disorders (lupus anticoagulant, anticardiolipin antibodies igm, protein S deficiency, and MTHFR). After my pregnancy, however, I only tested positive for slight protein S deficiency and MTHFR - I was no longer actually a clotter in the eyes of my hematologist. (Which is wonderful in terms of my overall health.) In the eyes of my MFM however, I for some reason became a clotter when pregnant

You might recall that the role of clotting disorders in pregnancy is still being understood. That the evidence linking clotting disorders and preeclampsia is not concrete, and is actually becoming shakier over time. Nonetheless, due to my history, I was on Lovenox throughout this pregnancy.

You might also recall that my MFM has a remarkable way of not providing direct or concrete answers to questions :)

You might therefore understand my surprise when he - twice now- directly answered my question of "What happened?" What went right? Why was this pregnancy so strangely uneventful?

I first asked him in the delivery room while he was stitching me up (What? I had a captive audience!), and again at my 6 week appointment. He clearly and succinctly responded: 1) I was carrying a single child rather than multiples, and 2) "We realized that [I] needed to be anticoagulated."

So there you go.

I'm not saying that my MFM knows any more than the next. There is certainly a wide range of opinions out there on the subject of whether and which women should be anticoagulated during pregnancy. But I will tell you that, in my eyes, my MFM is the reason this baby is laying across my lap right now. And if he says that Lovenox was the magic ticket, then that's all right with me. And for anyone out there facing a similar circumstance - I just wanted to share.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

He's here!!

Hello from Mr. Bluebird. Mrs. Bluebird and I would like to let you all know that Little Baby Bluebird arrived last night, March 12th, at 7:02 p.m. central time. Weighing in at 7 lbs. 7 oz. and measuring 21 inches, he's as perfect as any little baby can be. 8-9 on his APGAR. Mrs. Bluebird will be posting soon enough, but we wanted to let all of you know that mom and baby are doing great! Can't wait for you all to meet him!!!