Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Let's start at the very beginning

On A.pril 30, 2005, I married my best friend, B. Cliché, but true. Together with our two puppies (they will be “puppies” no matter how old they become), we made a small but happy family. We worked on our careers and setting up our home. We learned to love and lean on each other, and became a perfect team.

In January 2007 we started working on expanding our little family. Finally, after 20 months, and IUI plus injectibles, we found out I was pregnant with twins – Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B. We were so overwhelmed: it was perfect. Even those dreams we didn’t know we had came true.

Or so we thought. On Nov.ember 10, 2008, after a seemingly normal OB appointment, I was sent to the hospital and diagnosed with severe HELLP Syndrome and preeclampsia. At only 19 weeks 2 days, it was a death sentence: for the babies, and possibly for me. On Nov.ember 12, 2008, at just 19 weeks 4 days, our precious babies were born. They were too small to survive, but so beautiful and perfect.

We will never be the same. And we’re trying to figure out what has been so aptly referred to as our “new normal.”

So why start a blog? Why now, after having already faced infertility? After already experiencing the loss of our babies?

Because it is only now, after living through the worst days of our lives, that I fully appreciate the power of relationships formed with virtual strangers based on common experiences. I always thought it was slightly ridiculous to search for friends online. I have a better husband than I deserve; we have wonderful, loving families and caring friends. But I also happened to be a member - a rather inactive and not very well known member - of a few message boards. And those women did for us what few others could do, or dared to do.

These virtual strangers told me: “You’re so strong” - and I believed it, and gained strength. I found others who lost their babies and was deeply saddened, but also reassured to know that I wasn't alone. And I gained hope reading about a pre-e survivor who is pregnant again. These beatutiful women provided comfort as they cried with us for our sweet "babies;" as they called me a "mom." And these women made us realize that we can never say, "No one cares" or "No one understands."

I would never have made it through the past weeks and months without the communities of women who have been through or are going through infertility, multiple pregnancies, preeclampsia and HELLP, pregnancy loss . . .

So, I’m blogging for myself, of course. But also because we need the continued strength and support of these strangers we now consider friends. And because maybe, just maybe, reading our story might also help someone else feel slightly less alone.


Rebekah said...

Welcome to the world of blogging. I think you'll find it very therapeutic! Your story still breaks my heart. ((hugs))

Busted said...

Welcome to blogging! You're off to a great start, and I've added you to my blogroll.

P.S. - Somewhere Over the Rainbow was special to us too - we used the Iz version for our Doodles' video. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Found you through Busted, and although it breaks my heart to have you here, welcome here none the less. Writing words that I know others will understand in this place has often been the only way I have made it through the very dark place of losing my baby girls.

niobe said...

I'll be reading along.....

Cara said...

"So sorry you are here. So glad you came" That is what the cover of the packet every newly bereaved parent receives when they come to our Share support group. So I say that to you - now -So sorry you have need to be here, but so very glad you came.

We will be you constant companions on this journey ready to pick you up when you need it most.

Mother to Emma Grace - born still - 9.8.00

PS - I also tend to be longwinded...

Guera! said...

I blog for the same reasons but you stated them so much more eloquently than I could. Welcome!

Erica said...

I'm glad to came to the world of blogging. I too started after the loss of our daughter. I had pre-eclampsia that turned into eclampsia with my first child...our second daughter we lost due to a SCH. Hugs to you!