Trying to hold ourselves together and find our new normal after loosing our precious twin babies at 20 weeks to HELLP Syndrome.
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, conceived after 20 months and IUI plus injectibles; born still on November 12, 2008.

A blog about pregnancy loss and infertility. And whatever comes next. A blog about hanging on together and holding each other up.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Hollow Victory

I used to feel so victorious when I thought we had “conquered” infertility. We had gained what so many IF-ers desire: the knowledge that we could get pregnant. But that knowledge didn’t get us very far.

I was so elated once we passed the first trimester. We didn’t have to worry about vanishing twin syndrome, and the risk of miscarriage was slim to none. But that victory, also, proved to be hollow.

Our ability to get pregnant seems insignificant now. In fact, we got pregnant relatively easily as far as IF stories go (20 months, multiple break cycles due to cysts, and IUI plus injectibles) - although you never could have convinced me of that at the time. Each person's journey causes pain for that person.

But I also realize that some couples go through years of pain and invasive treatments, spend tens of thousands of dollars, if not more, and continue to suffer a broken heart month after month. . . I am thankful that our IF journey was as short and easy as it was, relatively speaking. And I have to remind myself to not assume that it will be just as easy for us to get pregnant again. (Isn’t it interesting how “easy” becomes a relative term?)

But regardless – none of that matters now. Because now we have to face it all again. We’re starting over, empty-handed.

Or maybe not.

And the possibility of "not" is what I’m struggling with right now.

If you’ve never been pregnant, at least there’s options to try to get pregnant – IUI, IVF, ICSI, PGD, donor egg and donor sperm, and even donor embryos. I’m not suggesting any of those options are easy. Or cheap. And its terribly unfair that anyone should be faced with these choices to achieve what comes so easily for others. I so respect and ache for the women who have to decide whether to take each step after painful step in the IF treatment process.

But I’m terrified that we’re not going to have any decisions to make. That we won't have any options. That it won’t matter if I can get pregnant, because I won't be able to stay pregnant. That B and I will be able to make beautiful babies, but I won't be able to carry them and give them what they need. That I won't be able to deliver a baby with a fair chance at survival. And I'm scared that we might have to go through this heartache again to even figure that out.

Then what? Then what would be our options?

To get so close. . . To think you had overcome, only to realize that the biggest obstacle is still before you. And is potentially insurmountable.

I go for more testing tomorrow. We should have the results in a few weeks. I'm so confused that I don't even know anymore what results to hope for. But please keep us in your thoughts nonetheless.


~Jess said...

It does suck: It's hard to know that you can get pregnant, but staying pregnant is another thing. *hugs* The whole of IF sucks. I hope good things are in the future for you>


Megan said...

I can't even imagine what you are feeling lossing two babies at 20 weeks. I totally get how scared you are to get pregnant again. Maybe just take it one day, one step at a time and worry about each day as it comes??? *hugs*

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Of course I will be thinking of you. I will pray that whatever news you receive, you will be able to find a level of peace.

Soralis said...

What you have had to endure is horrible. I can't imagine being so close then going through what you went through. I am wishing you all the best in your future. Hugs

Annie said...

I hope the testing gives you some answers and some options for steps to take in the future. I am so sorry that you didn't get to keep your babies with you (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog. I am so sorry that we are here in this hell together, with many other couples, it just isnt fair. I really hope and pray that our dreams will come true sometime soon and answers will come to us with clarity and we will know what to do.
Much love

Kristin said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Cling tight to the fact that eclampsia/HELLP tends to get milder with each subsequent pregnancy and that it is often milder with singletons.


mrsmyrtle said...

I will also keep you in my prayers. I totally get what you mean when you speak of the the journey of IF feeling long and arduous even when it seems "easy" compared to others. We have not gone through IVF, just two IUI's with a third planned this month, and yet our journey of almost seven years has not been easy. Multiple breaks, forced rest cycles, endless testing -- it all wears on you. Please don't ever feel as if you don't have the right to be scared, upset, or whatever you are feeling: what you have been through is more than most women could bear. Stay strong and keep praying. I will do the same!

Devon said...

thank you for posting on my sorry to have to "meet" you this way.

after the birth (and death) of my twins, i was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder which they *think* caused the premature birth of my daughter (29 weeks) and my twins (23 weeks). would love to chat with you about it...