I used to feel so victorious when I thought we had “conquered” infertility. We had gained what so many IF-ers desire: the knowledge that we could get pregnant. But that knowledge didn’t get us very far.
I was so elated once we passed the first trimester. We didn’t have to worry about vanishing twin syndrome, and the risk of miscarriage was slim to none. But that victory, also, proved to be hollow.
Our ability to get pregnant seems insignificant now. In fact, we got pregnant relatively easily as far as IF stories go (20 months, multiple break cycles due to cysts, and IUI plus injectibles) - although you never could have convinced me of that at the time. Each person's journey causes pain for that person.
But I also realize that some couples go through years of pain and invasive treatments, spend tens of thousands of dollars, if not more, and continue to suffer a broken heart month after month. . . I am thankful that our IF journey was as short and easy as it was, relatively speaking. And I have to remind myself to not assume that it will be just as easy for us to get pregnant again. (Isn’t it interesting how “easy” becomes a relative term?)
But regardless – none of that matters now. Because now we have to face it all again. We’re starting over, empty-handed.
Or maybe not.
And the possibility of "not" is what I’m struggling with right now.
If you’ve never been pregnant, at least there’s options to try to get pregnant – IUI, IVF, ICSI, PGD, donor egg and donor sperm, and even donor embryos. I’m not suggesting any of those options are easy. Or cheap. And its terribly unfair that anyone should be faced with these choices to achieve what comes so easily for others. I so respect and ache for the women who have to decide whether to take each step after painful step in the IF treatment process.
But I’m terrified that we’re not going to have any decisions to make. That we won't have any options. That it won’t matter if I can get pregnant, because I won't be able to stay pregnant. That B and I will be able to make beautiful babies, but I won't be able to carry them and give them what they need. That I won't be able to deliver a baby with a fair chance at survival. And I'm scared that we might have to go through this heartache again to even figure that out.
Then what? Then what would be our options?
To get so close. . . To think you had overcome, only to realize that the biggest obstacle is still before you. And is potentially insurmountable.
I go for more testing tomorrow. We should have the results in a few weeks. I'm so confused that I don't even know anymore what results to hope for. But please keep us in your thoughts nonetheless.