I feel a weight, all around me. It pushes me to the ground and holds me in place. It’s grief, sure. Pain, of course. But more than anything, I think, if I can put my finger on it. . . it’s disbelief. As I watch the clock tick past 8:19, "Happy birthday Baby Boy." As I wait for 9:44. . .
Overwhelming disbelief.
Disbelief that they would have been one year old today.
Disbelief that we’ve lived so long without them.
Disbelief that we were ever so blessed as to even dream of living with them at all!
Disbelief over what our lives could have been on this day.
Disbelief over what our lives are instead.
Does a year feel like forever? Or just the tick of a clock? Does it feel like another lifetime? Or just a moment ago? It’s all just so very surreal.
I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do. What I should do. What I want to do. Nothing feels right. There is no rule book for this.
I said to B the other day: “We should have a birthday party.” He responded: “I like that idea, I hadn’t thought of it! A party, huh?” “Well,” I replied, “Not a real party, of course. And no cake. Because there’s no one here to blow out the candles. But we should do something.”
Disbelief that we're even having this conversation; that I'm actually trying to figure out how to have a not-real party.
Sometimes I feel silly for missing something I never really had. For loving something that, some would say, I never really knew. Oh, but I did. How I loved those sweet babies. They are a part of our family – part of our family that should be here with us now.
Disbelief that such beautiful, strong, perfect babes aren’t here blowing out their birthday candles. Disbelief that there will be no squeels of laughter or icing-smeared faces on this day.
They will forever be a part of me. They will forever be a part of B. And their story will forever be a part of our relationship.
Disbelief that my hope now is simply to be able to tell their brother about them one day.
My how things change.
Through it all, I don’t think I have ever said, “Why me?” But I have wondered simply – “Why?” Or maybe just, "Really?!?" It's just so strange.
And today, as I smile, as I cry, as I remember, as I mourn, as I relive dreams . . I shake my head in disbelief.
Baby Girl B & Baby Boy A
So why bluebirds?
Precious baby boy
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About Me
- Bluebird
- Just a girl, married to a boy - the one who makes me laugh and holds me up; the love of my life. Desprately missing our Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B, born at 20 weeks on November 12, 2008. Trying to make sense of the past, deal with the present, and figure out the future amidst infertility, early onset HELLP Syndrome (a severe variant of preeclampsia), and clotting disorders.
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58 comments:
No no no...not something you never had. You loved and nurtured and cared for those babies. They were YOURS. Don't think for one moment that you are being silly or that your grief in some way is less than someone elses. Loosing a child is loosing a child. It doesn't matter if the child is 20 weeks or 20 years old.
You have shown the strength and grace we ALL hope we have if faced with the unthinkable.
And just because you are preg now with a healthy baby boy, that doesn't deminish anything or make your grief LESS THAN in any way.
You are entitled to your emotions. You are entitled to your grief. You are entitled to feel however YOU feel. And you know why? Because you are making it. You are living. You are continuing on. You and B are doing what so few of us could. Most would be utterly crippled under the weight of what you have endured but you go on. You breathe and get out of bed and work and LIVE and LOVE. And frankly, I can think of no better celebration for those two tiny and much loved babies. They have to be so very proud of you right now.
That may sound odd...they are proud of you...but I truly believe it.
So big hugs Bluebird. Big hugs my friend.
Even though we've never met and I'm not even a regular poster, I am a regular reader and you words always touch my heart. Just as your sweet babies have. I've been thinking of you and each of them all morning, knowing how hard this day is. When I started reading your post, it was 9:44 on my clock exactly...I said a special prayer for your sweet little girl.
Disbelief is a good way to describe it. It's amazing to me that even though almost 6 years (wow - that is unbelievable) since I held my babies, your post touched the very core of my heart, the part that is empty because they are not here. Like you, I have not asked why me...but it's more of just a "did that really happen to me?" I just can't even believe it.
Know that I'm remembering your sweet son and daughter, remembering my own son and daughter who are not here with me, and holding you close in my mother's heart, knowing so much of what you are feeling today.
Happy Birthday babies!! You are so loved by so many...
Ahh Bluebird. I get you. I look around at things, and I'm still not sure when my life became this way.
When you sing those precious children of yours happy birthday, know that many of us in dead baby land will be signing right with you.
We remember too. You are not alone.
Perhaps there's an answer out there to the question "why," but I'll be darned if I know it! I do know that you're going to be an amazing mom to your little one, just as you're an amazing mom to your duo. I'm thinking about you today, and about your sweet babies (all 3 of them). Sending you lots of love, always; but especially today~
You had them, they were real and even though it may have been inside you, they lived and they are your children. Feel however you need to feel and know that there are lots of arms around you today.
Happy Birthday Little Ones!
I understand your disbelief. But please don't ever feel silly for loving and missing your children. You carried them inside you, you wanted them, you miss them. They are your children no matter what.
When my grandson's 1st birthday came it didn't feel right to celebrate. But I could not let the day go without doing something. I bought some balloons, no happy birthday ones because to me it was not a happy day because he was not here, but I found a balloon that said We Love You on it and that felt perfect. We took them out to the cemetery and spent some time there with him.
Do whatever feels right to you. Thinking of you.
Those babies are not forgotten . . . certainly not by us, honey.
Light a candle, go to a park and meditate, do something special to commerate their day. And your day.
XOXO.
missing your sweet babies with you..thinking of you and saying extra prayers today! big hugs!!
As a man, I'm supposed to be strong. Constant. Unemotional. I've proven all of them wrong this year. People here at work don't even know what today is. They don't know that a year ago I lost my two, perfect little babies and almost lost the love of my life. I miss those little babies so much! I know they're in heaven, but they should be in our arms, or better yet, in a high chair, with icing no their face and a birthday hat on their little, perfect heads. This year has broken me (us). Thank you for being the glue that has held me together. Thank you for being the mother of our perfect babies. Thank you for loving me back, even when it's not easy. Thanks for being my honey bunny. And thank all of you, for being there for my wife. I feel like I know all of you (we talk about all of you at home). You all give her strength and encouragement, which transfers over to me and helps me get through the days....helps me know *others* acutally care. Thank you!
Happy Birthday to my strong, perfect little boy and to my precious, perfect little girl. We miss you dearly and love you more than you could ever know!
Oh Bluebird,
with you today. Thinking of you, and Mr. Bluebird, and your two beautiful babies who didn't get to live, and your beautiful new baby on the way. All of you. Coping. Living through this. Somehow.
Mo
I have been thinking of you and your twins since I woke up this morning.
I agree with the other posters who suggested that you do something to honor their memories today. I hope that doing so might bring you some comfort.
I am sorry for your (and B's) loss.
Hugs, the first birthday is hard. I hope you find some peace today.
This isn't what life is suppose to be about. I am so sorry for your loss and your sorrow.
((HUGS)) ((HUGS))
We are all here with you during this difficult time honey. We all care for you so much. Happy birthday to your sweet babies! I think a small cake after dinner would be a nice gesture. Just you and hubby. Your little boy will know his older sister and brother. Everything will be alright. I promise.
Hugs,
Kami
Here from LFCA. Please please don't think for a second you are remembering something you never had. You had two children, children wrapped in love and hopes and dreams. They were and are still loved by their wonderful parents, and remembered by many. Happy Birthday to your sweet boy and girl.
Mr. B - you made me cry. I'm so sorry your children were born to soon and that you had to watch your wife fight to survive.
It's not missing something you never had - it's missing the things you should have had.
Happy Birthday "A" and "B"!
Mr. Bluebird - what wonderful sentiments. I know all about the disbelief - I myself still wake up expecting to still be pregnant or have an 11 month old with me. A party is a great idea, one that helps to remember your babies and acknowledge their existence. Praying for you both.
Marie
Disbelief is a good word for it. Sometimes I think I just imagined the whole thing....
Keeping you all close in my thoughts right now. I can't imagine hoe hard this is - but please know that we all are thinking of you.
Hugs and tears.
I'm here from the L&F. Said a prayer for you guys. I'm sorry for you loss.
This is beautifully written and incredibly moving. My heart breaks for you in your mourning, as you remember them today. I hope there is some peace to be found in between your moments of disbelief. *hug*
~Miriam (via LFCA)
Thinking of you- all five of you- today.
Thinking of you today. You did have them, just because they were gone too soon does not mean that you did not have them, at least that's how I feel about cady.
happy angel day little bluebirds.
~~hugs~~
You give me hope
Those beautiful twin babies will always be real and will always be in your heart - just like mine are! I went into pre-term labor at 24 weeks with my perfect identical twin girls and this coming May it will be 2 years. It feels like an eternity has passed and yet 2 years isn't that much. My Sophia lived for 8 days and my Madeline lived for 16. They were gorgeous, perfect little beings that my husband and I wanted to give them everything. We are now blessed with the most handsome, wonderful, loving almost 5 month old baby boy. Your twins' memories will stay with you forever and now you will be able to create new ones with this little one on the way. Happy Birthday to your Baby Boy and Baby Girl!
I get it too, the disbelief.
Not "why me?" but "why them?".
Remembering your babies with you and Mr B today and always.
xxx
The previous comments have already expressed my thoughts. All I can add is that I'm thinking of you and I'm sending you a virtual hug.
My heart is with yours today as you remember your sweet, perfect and precious babies.
xo
(((hugs))) I definitely understand the disbelief. Thinking of your sweet babies.
'Disbelief that we were ever so blessed as to even dream of living with them at all'
Oh Bluebird. I hear you. I wish it was different for you and B. I wish you didn't have to feel this disbelief.
You did have them. You were their whole world. You did know your precious children. They will always be part of your family.
Your 'really?!?!' reminds me of the reaction of another mama in a very similar position to my own. She just said 'you couldn't make it up, could you?'
Remembering your beautiful son and daughter today. xo
I am sorry this is what this day is like for you, with no cake and a heavy heart. Not how any of us want our children's birthdays to be. Sadly, how too many are.
Remembering with you.
Keeping you, Mr. Bluebird, and your beautiful, perfect babies close in thought today.
(*HUGS*) You brought tears to my eyes hun. What a beautiful post. And you knew them, more intimately than anyone could. Thinking of you, and B, and baby boy, and your precious twins. Do something special, do whatever you want to do, feel you need to do.
Thinking of you guys today, Mr & Mrs Bluebird, and Little A&B. They are in my heart today, as are you.
Bluebird - such a tough, tough day.
Disbelief.... exactly.
I hope you found some kind of peace today and took comfort in knowing that your babies are safe in your heart.
Love to you
I've been thinking of ALL of you today. Thinking about what comforting words I could come over here and relay to you. All I could muster is the fact that I am so sorry that your precious A & B are not here with you and your DH. I wish I could ease your pain and heal your broken heart dear friend.
*hugs* always here.
I've been thinking of ALL of you today. Thinking about what comforting words I could come over here and relay to you. All I could muster is the fact that I am so sorry that your precious A & B are not here with you and your DH. I wish I could ease your pain and heal your broken heart dear friend.
*hugs* always here.
Okay, I just read B's comment on this and started bawling. Such sweet words, such a strong man (even though he doesn't think so) and such a strong couple. You are wonderful and even though we're blogs apart in the country, I feel like I know you. And with that, I feel like you are one of the strongest women...ever. Keep it up girlfriend, because where I'm sitting....you're doing amazing.
(ps my hubby also calls me "honey bunny"....adorable!)
Now I need to go find some dang tissues!
You had those babies, loved those babies and should celebrate those babies. I can't even imagine how hard it is as each milestone comes. \
Happy birthday to your sweet babies!
Thinking of you today ... wishing all four of our babies were celebrating birthdays today.
Happy birthday to A and B today. ((HUGS)) to you and B. Thinking of all of you today and know that one day you will share their memory with their little brother.
Thinking of you today, remembering. Abiding.
I so hear you. I so, so hear you, Bluebird.
I am thinking of you and your beautiful babies-quite often, but today especially.
Hugs to you.
Disbelief ... yep that's it. Your babies are and will forever be your children. You lost two beloved children and the pain you feel is intense, almost paralyzing at times. I know what you mean about wanting to have a party to acknowledge your babies and to remember while feeling like a party just isn't the right thing to do. I think you should do whatever you feel like doing tomorrow. If you want to buy a cake, top it with one candle for each baby, and sing them happy birthday, then I say do it. Tomorrow I will remember with you and will be sending strength your way.
I just ran across your blog (here from LFCA)and wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and your babies on their birthday. It's no coincidence I found you today. I am sorting through all of this myself. God is gracious and giving me strength. I pray that you feel it too.
Thinking of you and A & B today. Yes, one year has gone by. Big hugs to you today.
I just ache reading your pain. And disbelief. I am just so sorry they are not here with you. In your arms. I hope you are able to find something 'suitable' for your non-party party. It's so hard.
Peace, my friend.
Oh Bluebird, you and your sweet babies have been on my mind today. Reading this heartbreaking post takes me back to that day in the hospital. I was in such disbelief, I sat in that bed the whole day just shaking my head trying to wake up from the horrible nightmare I knew I must be in. I hope you are able to find a way to celebrate your precious A & B's lives and their impact on this world. xx
Thinking of you.
Disbelief is pretty accurate like you and Niobe above say. It often seems when I talk about it that it must have happened to someone else.
Remembering with you.
Bluey, oh Bluey. I'm holding you and your babies and Mr. Bluey close.
It is so, so hard. I was thinking of you yesterday, thinking of your sweet babies and hating that they weren't with you. We got them a cake, blew out a candle. We just wanted to be alone with them that day. (((HUGS)))
I hope you found a wonderful way to honor the twins yesterday. We didn't quite know what to do on our son's anniversary either. Cake didn't seem right to us, but we couldn't just sit home. We ended up spending the day and night in an ice shack on a lake in the great north, catching fish, remembering, and even laughing a bit. It wasn't so bad. Even a little nice. But that feeling of disbelief is certainly always there.
Still thinking of you, hoping baby boy has lots more time to grow before you meet him face to face.
Out of computer range yesterday, but you were on my mind and in my heart. Disbelief is accurate for me. It still feels like the saddest story I once read...with much love.
aw blue, no words to add. Just affection. No rule book, not even a helpful guide.
Hard to believe, but you're stil here. Loving. Living.
I keep trying to think of something really meaningful to say here, but its just all overwhelmed with wanting you to know that I won't forget your babies.
I just wanted to send Big Hugs your way!
I'm so sorry. My google reader dropped this post an I'm just reading it now.
******hugs*******
your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so so sorry for what you lost an I'm so sorry for your pain.
I know these words do nothing but know my thoughts are with you.
what a beautiful and poignant post. I could relate to so many of your words here.
Happy birthday little ones. xx
you did know them. better than anyone else in the world. with a love that surpasses all others.
we have a candle on their cakes. we watch it flicker then Peter extinguishes it with his fingers.
happy birthday sweet twins. hug mommy and daddy tightly.
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